BANCROFT 
LIBRARY 

-o- 

THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


TO  THE 


READERS  OF  "THE  LARK 


WHO  HAVE  LAUGHED 


THEY  KNEW  NOT  WHY, 


THESE  INARTISTIC  ABERRATIONS 


ARE    GRATEFULLY  DEDICATED. 


GELETT    BUHGESS 


COPYRIGHT  BY  WILLIAM  DOXEY 
651  MARKET  ST.,  SAN  FRANCISCO 

i  8  " 


CONTENTS 


j.    The  Story  of  the  GIANT    HORSE, 
'T  is  quite  Improbable  of  course. 

2.  MY   FEET;    a  Memoir,  with  a  fhase 
Resernblmg  some  Equestrian  Ways. 

3.  TH'  INVISIBLE   BRIDGE;   a  sort  of  Fable,— 
Please  understand  it,  if  you  're  able. 

4.  On  CITY   FLORA,  semi-culled 

By  one  whose  Fame  has  somewhat  dulled.  x 

5.  The  PURPLE  COWS  projected  Feast; 
Reflections  on  a  Mythic  Beast 

That's  quite  Remarkable,  at  least. 

6.  On  DIGITAL   EXTREMETIES;  1 
A  Poem  (and  a  gem  it  is !). 

7.  MY   HOUSE  and  how  I  make  MY   BED; 
A  Nocturne  for  a  Sleepy-Head. 

To  these,. 

8.  A   LEGEND,  Rare  and  Superfine, 

Cribbed,  some  will  say,  from  FRANKENSTEIN, 

(It  is  a  little  in  that  Line). 


IflIP 

Once  there  wa$-  a  GIANT  HORSED 
That  walked  through  all  the  Town, 


A-stepping  into  all  the  Roofs, 
And  Smashing  Houses  down! 


My  Feet  they  haul  me  'round  the  House; 
They  hoist  me  up  the  Stairs; 


/  only  have  to  steer  them  and 
They  ride  me  everywberes. 


/  V  never  dare  to  walk  across 
A  Bridge  I  could  not  see, 


'te  afraid  of  falling 
that  I  should  be  ! 


There  is  a  Theory  some  deny. 
That  Lamp  Posts  once  were  three  foot  higf), 


I  never  saw  a  PURPLE  COW, 


But  I  can  tell  you,  anyhow,  I'd 


I  never  HOPE  to  see  one; 


rather  SEE  than  BE  one! 


d  rather  have  Fingers  than  Toes}- 


I V  rather  have  Ears  than  a  Nose; 

And  as  for  my  Hair, 
I  'm  glad  it  9s  all  there, 


I '//  be  awfully  sad  when  it  goes  I 


My  House  is  made  of  Graham  Bread, 
Except  the  ceiling  's  made  of  White' 


Of  Angel  Cake  I  make  my  Bed; 
I  eat  my  Pillow  every  night! 


THE  PECULIAR  HISTORT  OF  THE 
CHEWING-GUM  MAN. 


WILLIE,  an'  Wallie,  an'  Huldy  Ann, 
They  went  an'  built  a  big  CHEWIN'- 

GUM  MAN: 

It  was  none  o'  your  teenty  little  dots, 
With  pinhole  eyes  an'  pencil-spots; 
But  this  was  a  terribul  big  one  —  well, 
'T  was  a' most  as  high  as  the  Palace  Hotel! 

It  took  ' 'em  a  year  to  chew  the  gwm  /  / 

And  Willie  he  done  it  all,  'cept  some 

That  Huldy  got  her  ma  to  chew, 

By  the  time  thp  head  was  ready  to  do. 
*  *  *  # 

Well,  Willie  he  chewed  it  for  days  V  days; 

They  brung  it  to  him  in  gret  big  drays; 

An'  fast  as  he  got  it  good  an'  soft, 

Then  Wallie  he  come  an<d  carried  it  oft. 

Then  he  '  d  roll  it  into  a  gret  big  ball, 

Ari  he  made  a-more'n  a  BILLION  in  all! 

Then  Huldy  Ann  she  spanked  'em  flat 

An'  pinched  an'  poked,  an'  the  like  o'  that 

Till  she  got  it  inter  a  gret  big  hunk  — 

My  !  did  n't  Huldy  have  the  spunk  ! 

And  then  she  sliced  one  end  half-way 

To  make  the  laigs  ('cause  they  never  stay 

When  you  stick  '  em  on  in  a  seprit  piece  — 

Seems  like  the  ends  was  made  o'  grease); 

And  she  slit  an  arm  right  up  each  side, — 

I  could  n't  a  done  it  if  I  'd  a  tried  ! 

O'  course,  her  brothers  they  helped  her,  though, 

An'  rolled  the  arms  an'  laigs  out,  so 

They  all  was  smooth  with  roundin'  bends 

An'  chopped  the  fingers  inter  the  ends  ! 

An'  when  their  mother  had  chewn  the  head, 

She  went  an'  stuck  it  on,  instead  ! 


THE   CHEWING-GUM  MAN, 

An'  then,  whtn  the  man  was  almost  done, 

They  had, an  awfullots  o'  fun. 

A-walkin'  down  his  stummick  was  best 

To  make  the  buttons  onter  his  vest ! 

They  struck  big  cartwheels  in  him  for  eyes; 

His  eyes  was  both  tremendous  size ; 

His  nose  was  a  barrel  —  an*  then  beneath 

They  used  a  ladder,  to  make  his  teeth ! 

An'  when  he  was  layin'  acrost  the  street 

Along  come  their  daddy,  as  white  's  a  sheet, — 

He  was  skeert  half  outer  his  wits,  I  guess, 

An'  he  did  n't  know  whatter  make  o'  the  mess, — 

But  Huldy  she  up  an'  begun  to  coax 

To  have  him  down  town,  to  skeer  the  folks  ! 

So  her  dad  he  grabbed  him  offen  the  street, 

An'  Willie  an'  Wallie  they  took  his  feet, 

An'  they  dragged  him  clean  d9wn  to  the  Cogswell  fountain, 

An'  stood  him  up  as  big  as  a  mountain  ! 

You  'd  orter.seen  him  a-standin'  there, 

A-straddlin'  Market  street  in  the  air  !     ,  , 

Well,  he  stood  up  straight  for  a  week  'n'  a  half 
An'  the  folks,  Gee  !  did  n't  they  yell  'n'  laff : 
t        The  boys  clum  up  his  laigs  quite  bold  — 
The  gum  was  so  soft  they  got  good  hold ; 
The  cars  run  under  him  day  an'  night, 
An'  the  people  come  miles  to  see  the  sight ! 
Well,  after  he  'd  stayed  as  stiff's  a  post, 
With  his  J^ead  on  top  o'  the  roofts  almost, 
The  sun  come  outer  the  fog  one  day 
.  An' —  well,  I  guess  you  can  see  the  way 
That  gret  big  feller  begun  to  melt;  — 
Imagine  how   Willie  and  Wallie  felt ! 
For  first  he  cocked  his  head  out  some, 
An'  when  the  heat  got  inter  the  gum 
He  slowly  waved  his  arms  ahead 
An'  slanted  forred,  just  like  he  was  dead  1 


CONTINUED. 


An'  all  day  long  he  leaned  an3  bent 

Till  all  expected  he  would  have  went 

An'  pitched  right  over.     They  roped  the  street 

To  keep  the  crowd  away  from  his  feet. 

I  tell  yer  he  was  a  sight;  my  soul ! 

Twicet  as  high  as  a  telegraft  pole, 

Wavin'  his  arms  an'  slumpin'  his  feet 

Aa'  a-starin'  away  down  Market  s.treet. 

Then,  what  did  I  tell  yer — that  blame  old  head 

Their  mother  had  made  a-seprit,  instead, — 

It  fell  right  off  an'  squashed  a  horse  ! 

('T  was  so  soft  it  did  n't  kill  him,  o'  course.) 

When  his  hands  got  so  they  touched  the  ground 

A  hundred  policemen  they  come  around; 

They  stuck  a  cable-car  to  his  feet, 

An'  one  to  his  head,  a  goin'  up  street, 

An'  then  they  pulled  him  opposite  ways, 

An'  they  pulled  him  for  days  'n'  days  V  days, 

An'  they  drored  him  out  so  slim  an'  small 

That  he  reached  a  mile'ri  a  half,  in  all. 

An'  that  was  the  end  o'  the  CHEWIN'-GUM  MAN 
For  Willie,  an'  Wallie,  an  Huldy  Ann. 
They  come  aldng  with  an  ax  next  day, 
An'  chopped  him  up.  \and  guv  him  away. 


HO '11  be  the  Clerk!" 
«I!"said77/£  LARK. 


<D 


